Writer and Characters, An Argument
by Whisper2AScream
Summary: What happens when a writer's bored, reads a lot of fic, and has ingested massive quantities of caffeine?  You'll see.
1. Default Chapter

Title: Writer and Characters, An Argument  
Author: Whisper2AScream  
Disclaimer: Otherwise known as the "cover yer ass" ploy. Buffy, Xander, Willow and the rest are, say it with me, Joss Whedon's! As well as Mutant Enemy, Kuzui Productions, Twentieth Century Fox (who should be flamed for killing fan sites), and UPN affliates. John Constantine, well, as much as he might say otherwise, he sprung from the mind of Alan Moore, and belongs to DC Comics/Vertigo. (There's other stuff, but listing it at the bottom since it's spoilers for the story.)  
Spoilers: Eh... up to the end of fifth season.  
Rating: PG-13 for language mostly. (Hey, Spike and John are here, so no telling what they're gonna say.)  
Notes: What happens when a writer's bored, reads a lot of fic, and has ingested massive quantities of caffeine? You'll see.  
  
At the Magic Box, there was yet another Scooby Gang meeting, though less one Scooby these days. Since Buffy was at "mostly dead" status. Then, a young woman walked in, hefting a laptop with her.  
The group immediately stopped talking, and glanced back at her.  
"Bloody hell."  
"Not again."  
"It's one of them."  
"Hey, who's talking?"  
` "I don't know. Are you?"  
"I don't know either."  
"Lazy ass writer."  
"Ahem!" The writer said, and then added, to the last one who spoke, (It was Spike in case you were confused. *We were!* Oh, be quiet! *Get on with it!* Right, anyway.) "Spike, shut the hell up."  
Anya whispered over to Spike, "I thought most of the fans like you?"  
Spike whispered back, "Yeah, but this Whisper's a bit loony. She also liked Riley."  
Buffy glanced at them, "What are you saying about him?"  
Both of them replied, "Nothing."   
The writer then said, "Guys, I don't know why you bother to whisper or even think. You know I can hear you."  
Buffy then asked, "Yeah, and why are you teaming me up with Spike, too?"  
"Since when?"  
Willow showed Whisper, the fic, "Teaching Mr. Whedon."  
"Oh right. That was really as a favor to another writer who is a B/S shipper. You know my preferences."  
Xander commented, "I heard. And I'm still mad at you for turning me into a girl. _Twice_. Correction, THREE times now!"(*)  
Spike started laughing loudly, "A girl??? Hahaha! You wearing a skirt, too?"  
"Shut up Britboy,"  
Whisper then added, "Actually a fuku, or Japanese schoolgirl outfit. Sailor top and short, pleated skirt." By now Spike was rolling on the floor laughing, with the rest of the group not far behind.  
Willow, trying not to laugh, asked, "You stuck him as a Sailor Scout??"  
"Senshi, and yeah, well, it was suggested. So I made him Sailor Fool's Heart. He's still my favorite character."  
Buffy commented, "If he's your favorite, what do you do with the characters you hate?"  
Whisper grinned evilly, "You don't want to know."  
Giles then said, "Um, by the way, I just noticed. Aren't you supposed to be dead?"  
Buffy frowned, "Um, yeah. But I'm feeling much better now." She glanced back at Whisper, "Explanation?"  
She shrugged, "I'm a writer. Figure it out."  
Xander then said, "Ok, you know you just paraphrased Babylon 5 there? And you made a Night Court reference before."  
"Actually the latter was said by Buffy. Your point being?"  
"Should that be added to the Disclaimer?"  
Whisper thought for a moment, "I'm not using characters from either, so uh, no."  
Willow then asked, "Um, where's the rest of our group?"  
"The rest?" The writer blinked innocently.  
"Yes, Tara, and Dawn? And where did Anya go?" Willow prodded. For Anya had somehow vanished. Xander then leaned over and whispered in Willow's ear. She blushed, and replied, "Oh, right, you're a W/X shipper. Um, that was just a fluke, you know?"  
Whisper replied, "Sure it was. That's why you've said I love you to each other."  
"What, when?"  
"Never mind, don't have time here."  
Spike commented, "Why not, good time as any?" He suspected something was up the way the two of them acted around each other. Hell, seemed bloody obvious to everyone, except for the two parties.  
Whisper sighed, "Alright, well, Xander knows when Will said that she loved him. BUT Willow, Xander..." Xander had just leapt up, and clamped a hand over her mouth.  
"Don't say it!"  
She pushed his hand away, and babbled out in a rush, "Don't say what? How you admitted that you love her while you were sitting by what you had thought was her death bed, that?"  
Willow blinked and stared at them, "What?"  
"You know, you in coma. Xander says I love you. You wake, and yell for Oz."  
Willow turned towards him, "Xander? Is that true?"  
Xander was currently sweating, and looking for a place to hide. When nothing could be found, he quietly said, "Um... yes?"  
She asked, "And you let me go back to Oz?"  
"You picked him! And pushed me away! I thought he was better for you."  
Spike commented, "Well, wish Passions had a storyline like this."  
Whisper warned him, "Spike, cool it, or I'll turn you into Timmy."  
"And I thought you said you don't have a God complex." Another voice added loudly. 


	2. Chapter 2

Everybody turned towards the new person. It was a middle-aged man with blond hair, blue eyes, and roguish features. He was dressed in a scruffy shirt, trousers, shoes, and a rather worn, tan trenchcoat. Giles particularly looked stunned.  
"Conjob?"  
He grinned, "Hullo, Ripper, me old son. How are you?"  
Giles went over and shook hands, "Alright. How about yourself?"  
"Oh, well, you know me. Some days are good, and some days are a real bitch." He gestured toward Whisper during his bad days comments.  
"Arsehole, did I give you permission to show up?"  
He smirked and pulled out a Silk Cut, "Not really, but you were going to, right?"  
"And how did you turn back into a man?"  
He shrugged as he lit his fag. He took a drag, and replied simply, "I have my ways. You should know that by now, luv."  
She rolled her eyes, "Yeah."  
Spike walked over, and asked, "Wait a sec. I remember you. Sang with the Membrane back in the day."  
He nodded, "Long time ago."  
Buffy asked, "Ok, who's Cancer Guy?"  
He winced at the reminder as Whisper commented, "John Constantine, one who is infamous in heaven and hell. And easy on the cancer reference, he got rid of his the hard way. Looked cool even if it was bloody stupid."  
John nodded as he smoked, "That it was."  
Buffy then asked, "So anyway, why are you here?"  
John smiled, "Because I felt like it. Also, I'm sort of a muse to her, even though I'm a fictive and all like the rest of you lot."  
Whisper asked, "Muse? Since when?"  
He grinned, "Ever since you picked up that Sandman comic, and wondered who that good-looking blonde was."  
"You wish, and that would be cradle-robbing. I'm only 23. You're nearly 50."  
"Don't remind me."  
Xander then added, "So, um, how long you going to go with this fic anyway? Pretty pointless."  
Whisper shrugged, "True, I was bored at the time. Plus..." She then points to the summary up at the top of the page.  
Buffy commented, "Well, that would explain it."  
"You'd know, you got a thing for mochas as well. Also, orange-grapefruit mix? Very tasty."  
"Thanks."  
Xander added, "I get a little wired too."  
Willow replied, "Yeah, but you don't need caffeine for that."  
"I can think of another way to wire him. Just give me some jumper cables," Spike muttered.  
Whisper smiled sweetly at the vampire, "Oh, Spike?"  
Xander and John both recognized the look on her face, and both said, "Uh-oh."  
Spike asked, "Yeah, what?"  
"This," and with a few taps on her keyboard, Spike was now female.  
Spike glanced down at himself, "AAAAAUUUUGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! Bloody hell!"  
Xander and John both started chuckling at this, while Buffy said, "You like this gender bending thing a lot, don't you?"  
She replied, "Don't blame me. Another fanfic writer already did it to him(*). Or her now. Having fun, Spiketta?"  
Spike or Spiketta currently, sputtered, and then snarled, "You're dead....OW!" She stopped as the chip implant kicked in.  
"Sorry, but we writers have this nasty thing of immortality."  
"Yeah, we know," John muttered.  
"Bleedin' hell! Change me back already!!" Spiketta howled at this point.  
Whisper grinned, "One moment..." She tossed a camera over to Xander, and winked at him.  
"Yes, there is a God! Thank you!" He crowed, and then yelled at Spiketta, "Hey Spike, say bloody marys!" He then started snapping pictures as quickly as he could.  
"ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" The female vampire howled in frustration, and tried to dive for the camera. Xander nimbly backed away, and kept out of reach.   
He grinned at Whisper, "These will really come in handy as blackmail material."  
Buffy sighed, "I'm going to regret this. Xander, give me the camera."  
Whisper glanced at her, "Oh, let him have his fun. You know how often this undead tosser has been bashing poor Xander here?"  
Buffy shrugged at Spike, "Well, she does have a point."  
Spike yelled back, "Who cares? He deserves it! He's useless."  
Whisper frowned, and a dark look appeared on her face.  
Giles commented, with a slight, if slightly strained smile, "I don't believe you should have said that."  
John sidled back, sensing the tension. He glanced at an imaginary watch on his wrist (having pawned it the previous week), "Hmmm... have to run. Promised Chas I'd meet him at the pub." He then left the shop, and vanished from sight.  
Xander stopped snapping pictures, and likewise glanced at the writer. He had a feeling what was coming. He readied the camera just in case.  
Spike glared back, "Well, what are you going to do?"  
Whisper smiled evilly, "This." And she hit the enter key on her laptop. A wand appeared in Spike's hand.  
Xander asked the writer, "Is that what I think it is?"  
She smiled, "Uh-huh."  
Buffy looked confused, until Willow leaned over and whispered in her ear. Then, Buffy started snickering.  
Spike held up the wand, and stared at it, "What the bloody hell?" And with that remark, the transformation sequence was underway. Spike screamed when she was lifted in the air, and the screams became more fervent when she realized she was naked, and now twirling in mid-air. Xander started snapping away again eagerly, not realizing the encompassing energy could damage the camera. But Whisper made sure it was shielded while snap-happy Xander continued working.  
Finally the sequence was over, and now, Spike or Spiketta really, was dressed in a black fuku with a red bow, and red Docs. Her wand looked like a pen with a large heart at one end. She cried out in a commanding voice, "I am Sailor Scribe, sworn to fight evil, and compose poems to me love, the Slayer!" She then turned murderous eyes to the writer, "What kind of shite was that?"  
Whisper simply smiled since she couldn't hear what was being said over the din of laughter in the Magic Box. She then yelled, "I'm sorry, you'll have to speak up next time."  
"The lines? What the frig was that?"  
Whisper shrugged, "It's standard Senshi dialogue. Terrible, isn't it?" By now Xander was laughing so hard that he didn't even realize that he had used up all the film.   
Willow then asked, "Though, wouldn't Spike be more of a Tuxedo figure?"  
Sailor Scribe yelped, "What, that poofter who spouts horrible lines and throws roses around? Sounds more like Peaches' bag than mine." She then realized what she said, and muttered, "Somebody stake me now."  
Xander laughed, "You actually watch that show?"  
"Yeah, well I thought Sailor Venus looked pretty shaggable, alright?"  
Whisper commented, "He watches soap operas, so no accounting for taste."  
Sailor Scribe smirked at her, "Yeah, what's the witch's name on Passions?"  
"Tabitha," Off the smug look, she waved her off, and said, "Well, the show's popped up in magazine articles. That proves nothing."  
"What about Lara and Nick's previous lives?"  
"That Titanic rip-off garbage? Ugh..." she then slapped her hand against her forehead. "Shimatta." She quietly swore.  
"A-ha, caught out!" She pointed gleefully.  
"Alright, occasionally if I happen to be around. Good for a few laughs." She shrugged, and then frowned at the still grinning senshi. Then, a thought popped in her head, and a grin creeped catlike across her face. She then started typing something on her laptop. Then, Sailor Scribe suddenly vanished.  
Everybody, well, Buffy, Willow and Xander, at least, started looking around for where the vampire had disappeared.  
Giles, meanwhile, had already fled to the back room with a secret stash of scotch, and was quietly getting knackered so he could erase the image of a female Spike in a fuku from his brain. The experiment wasn't going well.  
Back out front, Buffy then asked, "Ok, thanks for getting rid of him, but where did he go?"  
Whisper grinned, "Oh, well, I thought Angel could use a gift to cheer him up."  
Xander thought for a moment, "A gift? What...?" Then, it hit him. "What did you get for Deadboy?"  
She calmly preened, "Well, I had to send Spike somewhere," She then switched to a Scottish accent, " So I sent him to where he'd be no trouble at all."  
  
Elsewhere, Angel walked into his office in the Hyperion Hotel, and paused, surprised at what was by his desk. It was a strange girl with blond hair, who seemed vaguely familiar. She was currently chained to his desk, and wearing of all things, what looked to be a red and black, sailor suit top with a short pleated skirt, and red boots.  
The girl snarled at him, "Angel, bloody hell, ya gotta help me!" She then switched to a more desperate tone as she pleaded, " It's Spike! C'mon, sire, help me out of these chains, please??" She tugged ineffectively at the manacles.  
Angel simply covered his mouth with one hand, though inklings of a smile forming appeared on the corners of his mouth. He then turned around, and calmly shut the door behind him.  
  
Spike continued pleading, "C'mon, call a locksmith! Grab a hatpin! Something? Anything?" She then screamed, "Whisper, I'm gonna bloody murder you!!!"  
  
~ The End~  
  
"Ain't I a stinker?"- Bugs Bunny  
  
Notes and Comments: As I said above, take one frazzled writer who's consumed cups of mochas, and has been reading lots of fic, add one already overactive imagination, stir briskly, and well, had the beginnings of this. In fact, you can see where the caffeine wore off, and simply me trying to wrap things despite the story's own ideas on where to go with this. Don't bother looking for a plot, there isn't one really. It's drabble, it's fluff, it's a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia. To Spike fans, sorry, but he was asking for it. ;) I like Spike, but I like Xander more. *shrugs* For the A/X, W/T fans, again sorry, but been a firm W/X shipper since the infamous ice cream incident in WSWB in Season 2. For B/X fans, um, sorry, but personally I think that'd be like King Arthur and Lancelot hooking up, because that's how I see the two of them to each other. (Although, this begs the question, who's Guenevere? Riley? Spike? LOL! I think Willow's becoming a veritable Morgan Le Fey, and we know who Merlin is.) A/X, I think, is shaping into a C/X, part 2 kind of relationship (You just know, it's gonna end in tears), and while I did actually like W/T, well we know where that's at now, neh?  
  
The Spiketta name and reference come from another story, done by Aziraphael, hope you don't mind.  
  
The reference to John being a woman, and Sailor Fool's Heart actually come from a story previous to this one, another bit of drabble like this, where John met with the Real Ghostbusters and Xander, of course got invited to come along as well. (Yes, I'll post it eventually since it's done and all. When? I don't know, considering I'm still working on Orlando Curse, Two White Knights, and the third story in the Souls of Light, Souls of Darkness trilogy, among other tales. Whew!)  
  
The Xander girl references the above mentioned drabble, as well as the Orlando Curse, and another possibly forthcoming story if I can ever finished the monster tale, The Lemon That Wasn't Giles' Car (Yes, you heard me right.) For those unfamiliar with the term, it typically means anime fan fiction where explicit sex involved. But this is more of a lemon comedy in the style of John Biles, which if you haven't read Lemonade, and Lemon Sherbet, find yerself a copy and do so! Very funny!   
  
Sailor Moon concept, (the most familiar series relating to the Magical Girl genre of anime, btw. Yes, there's several out there. Most are very scary.) doesn't belong to me, the guilty parties responsible are somebody else's. 


End file.
